All Caught Up

A friend of mine recently turned 33. Amy mentioned in an email how she finally felt like she had grown into herself and how grand our 30s really were. It wasn't the first time I had read those words. I recently read a quote from Clare Danes (an actress I once like) that said the same thing, only it annoyed me coming from her but she also stole a married man away from his then very pregnant wife. It's hard to find any respect for someone like that, but that's neither her nor there. I was glad to hear these words coming from Amy because I was able to hear it in a different way, a way that I could really identify with.

In reference to Clare, she said it because she grew up so fast being in the acting profession. I had to grow up fast for very different reasons. Or maybe it wasn't that I had to grow up fast. Maybe it's that my maturity was beyond my actual years from the beginning. It seems weird to say that. If a kid said that to me now I would most likely think they were obnoxious, but back to my point. Maybe this maturity was given to me from the start to deal with the more adult situations I was put into. Really, what came first? I've thought many times about how events in my childhood were somehow preparation for my mom's death. As huge of a loss that that was, her death served as a springboard for the woman I was to become. I was able to recognize that just a few short years after her death and just a few short years into my 20s. Seriously, how many people at that age can have that kind of perspective? Her death was really never a hindrance to me and I know that's the way she would have wanted it.

I think this maturity is what has contributed to me being a loner much of my life. I just couldn't totally identify with those around me. Nearly all relationships have seemed a bit superficial to me (some still do), because I know that person just isn't capable of really getting me. At the risk of sounding a bit arrogant, I'm just a much deeper thinker than most people I know. I think on an entirely different level than most people I come across, perhaps over-think. It's not that anything is wrong with them (or me for that matter), I am just different.

I've also always had friends older than myself. I've always been attracted to men much older than myself (Mike was 27 and I was 19 when we started dating). I've always enjoyed getting older . I think a huge part of enjoying getting older was because that "maturity gap" was slowly drawing to a close. After reading Amy's words, I realized that gap was just about closed. I think I may have finally caught up with myself.

Wow, that almost gave me butterflies.

Moving forward from that point should be nothing less than awesome.

Lots of Writing...

Other than playgroup this morning, I've spent lots of time writing. All messages and conversations with friends. While I have definitely spent too much time online today, it's nice to be able to "complain" about having to many friends to chat with. While on the writing roll, I thought it best to conclude my writing today here.

First, I want to share a really great blog my friend Gina found: http://kindovermatter.blogspot.com/ It fits well with my current frame of mind and it's well worthy of passing along. It reminds me of a blog posting from the NieNie Dialogues where Nie and a friend with their daughters left kind little notes (such as: someone thinks you are special) around Mesa, AZ for people to stumble upon. Speaking of Nie, she survived a near fatal airplane crash just a year ago and was burned over much of her body. She recently posted a picture of herself, something she hadn't done since the accident. What an amazing spirit this young woman has.

And finally...

Life A.B.C.

My husband can tell you he's been through many different versions of myself. Part of that was due to getting married so young and growing up as me growing up as we went along, but part of that was due to me finding 'myself' (as cheesy as it sounds) and finding what it is I believe about life. I've never been one to just accept a belief without living some sort of evidence of that and I was finally able to find that during my mid-20s crisis. Another version of me emerged after we moved to Montana. In retrospect, each new version of me was the result of me letting go of expectations other people had of me. I was caring less and less about what other people thought and more about what I thought, what I felt. It was incredibly emancipating.

Then came my 30s. I'd heard and read that your 30s were so much better than your 20s because you become much more comfortable with yourself. I was looking forward to that. I also heard that that's when women's sex drives peaked so I was looking forward to that, too, since I didn't seem to have much of one.

So instead of things getting better for me like I thought, things got worse and came to a peak just over a year ago. I weighed more than I did when I was pregnant, was NOT happy with many things (not my nature AT ALL), and felt a little crazy - literally. This new version of me was not good at all. In my "craziness", I was coherent enough to see that I was thinking illogical thoughts and finding evidence to readily support those thoughts and experiencing the resulting emotions, but that didn't make any difference to me. It was like something had hijacked my head. I thought many times that I would love to blame it on hormones, how nice that would have been, but it was easy to find reasons for everything and blaming it hormones somehow seemed like a cop-out, like I alone needed to bear the responsibility of my unhappiness.

Then one day I realized that my change in behavior could be traced back to a change in my birth control, just one generic to another and I had never had problems with the pill before (or so I thought) so I didn't think much of it. So I did a search online about my particular prescription. While I believe that looking up symptoms online is a good way to freak yourself out, if only .5% of the stories I glanced over were true - my birth control was to blame. A wave of relief swept over me so great I started to cry. I stopped taking it at that time and didn't consult with my doctor because I knew she was going to try to rule out other causes and I'd already done that.

My next option for birth control was Mirena. That really messed with me, too, but in a different way than the pill. I had seen a glimmer of "normality" in the few months between quitting the pill and getting Mirena so I could tell immediately that I didn't like it. Six weeks of that and I had it taken out. I really just needed to not be on hormones at all for a while. I had been on birth control since I was probably 19 or 20. I really just needed to find out what my body was like not on birth control. Turned out it was a much better (and the now current) version of myself.

I've been birth control-free since Paril. It's crazy (literally?) how much different my thought patterns are now. It's like old forgotten synapses are firing again and new ones being formed. My mind is really working in a different way and it was a bit of a trip (albeit an exciting trip) at first to experience that. PMS flare-ups remind how I once was, but that's getting better with each month. This month it was almost like a switch went off in my head signaling PMS. I was literally aware of the moment it happened. It's nice to be able to recognize that and to exert some sort of control over it instead of it controlling me.

Another great thing is I've lost 13 pounds since I went off birth control. I only exercise 3x a week and my diet has not changed at all. I thought about the connection between my weight and birth control some, but once again I was able to find other reasons like getting older, my appetite for wine and the fact that most of the women in my mom's family are overweight. It wasn't until I looked at my weight over time on a graph (thanks to Wii Fit). My weight didn't changed more than about 3 pounds since I received the Wii Fit in October. Once April came along, the curve of the line changed dramatically and I have lost 10 pounds since.

So that got me thinking about how I managed to gain 50 pounds, yes 50, since I graduated from college. That was another thing I wanted to blame on hormones over the years and I really should have listened to that voice. Even when I lost 10 pounds after getting pregnant (no morning sickness, mind you), I didn't connect it to the birth control. Instead, I blamed it on getting older, my appetite for wine and the fact that most of the women in my mom's family are overweight. Blah, blah, blah.

While I was in college, even though I had insurance I would go to the student health center to get birth control because it was cheaper and more convenient. My school had a contract to supply Ortho-cyclen's birth control so I was on the "name-brand" birth control all while I was in school and still a size 9. My nurse practitioner gave me an extended prescription at my last visit with her there so I didn't have to find another doctor so soon. I was able to refill at the school pharmacy while still a student, but once I graduate I had to transfer the prescription to a regular pharmacy. After I started using my insurance for birth control, I got the generic equivalent for what I had been taking because that's all my insurance would pay for. Since I had never had a problem with the pill, I thought nothing of it. I was also still quite young and not as in touch with myself or my body so when changes started happening, I didn't know that they weren't just a natural progression. Now I know differently, VERY differently. So I think I will blame my weight on the birth control after all.

I've had a few moments of bitterness, of "I was robbed" of this or that. Last year's bout with hormones put a huge strain on my marriage because of my own unhappiness. Plus, my weight gain over the years has played into self-esteem issues that existed when I was thin. It's interesting that I became the body that I always feared back then. I wish I knew then what I do now - I would have been a lot easier and kinder to myself. Yet instead of being bitter, I look around and see a new amazing chapter of my life opening up with a new amazing version of myself. I'm thankful Piper was too young to really remember much of that time with me because it wasn't at all representative of who I really am. I laugh so much more now. I am regaining my creativity. It wasn't totally gone, but it's definitely been muted for a while. I am excited for the possibilities and dreaming again. I am really truly finding just how great my 30s can be.

The better it gets, the better it gets...

Momentary Apolitical Break

I took a break from being apolitical over the weekend, but I feel like I had a pretty good excuse. It's not everyday that the President of the United States of America visits your hometown, especially when your hometown is in one of the least populated states. How could one not get caught up in the excitement?

The picture above is Marine 1, 2, or 3. Not sure as they all looked the same and were buzzing over the house most of the day on Friday, Saturday, and even one REALLY low one yesterday. They were supposed to be Obama's transportation while he was here, but the weather was too rainy for them to use them. It started hailing just minutes after Air Force One landed (hail to the chief). Living near the airport, I was hoping to be able to see Air Force One coming in, but the hovering helicopters were a noisy enough distraction that I didn't see it until it was mostly out of view.

I liked what I heard from Obama during the townhall meeting. I really haven't paid much attention to the health care debate, partly because I don't have any issues and partly because of the reasons I went apolitical in the first place. It's interesting how varied people's viewpoints are and it generally depends on their own personal experience. If you have never had to use your insurance much or for anything serious, you probably don't think much about the topic (kinda like myself). Anyone that has had serious medical problems or knows someone that has knows will tell you something completely different. Even as my mom was dying, she had to fight to get money from the insurance company that she had been insured through for umpteen years. That was almost 15 years ago. Now my dad is dealing with different issues, more on the hospital side of things, due to my stepmom's health problems. He doesn't believe in socialized medical care, but he thinks something needs to give or it's only going to get worse.

Then you have someone like my friend Mikey. He's only 23 or 24, grew up in southern Idaho, and is a frequent listener of conservative talk radio. I think it would be safe to assume that he doesn't believe that the government should be interfering in this. I found out this weekend that he as been out of work for almost 2 weeks. He has been having severe headaches and his hands have been numb. Worse case scenario is MS or a brain tumor. They won't know that until he has an MRI. The only insurance that Mikey has available to him is really expensive, like I don't know why you would pay that much for insurance when it covers almost nothing. Needless to say, he chose not to pay for that insurance because he and his girlfriend are healthy, young, and both making ~$10/hour if that at their jobs. Now Mikey is in the position that he has to have an MRI, an MRI that costs $3000-$4000, in addition to all of the other money he owes for everything leading up to this. It's really could be a matter of life or death for him and the beginning of a lot of scary stuff for him. We all hope it is not, but even if he is he will still owe a lot of money.

It's stories like Mikey's that made me excited to hear Obama speak of insurance exchanges. I thought it more or less sounded like a co-op and what do you know - that's the term popping up in the news now after his weekend tour of the West. Non-profit insurance co-op's sound like a great idea to help people get insurance without messing with mine. Co-op's are all about group buying power and are a pretty great idea in general, if you ask me.

I appreciated the fact that the media all said the townhall event took place in Belgrade and not Bozeman. It's kinda exciting to see your hometown in the national spotlight. I also really appreciated the fact that the media recognized how well-mannered the people were and uneventful (all things considered) the whole thing was. Anyone could have lined up for the chance to get tickets. We're traditionally a Republican state and have a huge tea party faction here. Yet, the whole thing transpired without any negative incident. People, both in the townhall meeting and those outside protesting, were able to express and share their views with passion and civility. Thanks for making me proud Montana.

OK, I think I can go back to my apolitical corner again.

Life After Birth Control is still coming soon.

Rose-Colored Glasses

Yesterday I started 21 Days of No Complaining. I found out about it on Facebook from someone I know online from a now defunct bead co-op. The idea appealed to me because there is so much negativity in the world right now and believe I totally and completely that the Universe gives back to you whatever it is you give your attention to. I can say that because I have given it a try and have seen it work. I can also say that my nay-saying husband believes in it not because I tried to make him (because I tried and it didn't work) but because I showed him through my example (which is how some of the best teachers teach).

Some may say I am just viewing the world through rose-colored glasses. I say SO WHAT. It works for me and my family and I are much happier for it. I have my rose-colored glasses on for that little girl in the upper left corner (she has rose-colored glasses on because they are Dora the Explorer glasses). Have you ever looked through rose-colored glasses? Try it, you might like it.

I am not participating in the 21 days to the extent of one of my friends. You are encouraged to journal about your feelings and experiences during the week, but I am doing good just writing here. Her participation just serves as a reminder to use these 21 days to clean up my mind a bit. No matter where you are in life, your mind could always use a little bit of cleaning up.

There's always some negative tape recording playing up there and those recordings often have little physical evidence to support, but we often let that tape beat us into submission. Sometimes there is evidence to support that recording, but that's where the rose-colored glasses come in handy. If we know something doesn't taste good, we don't put it in our mouth, yet how often do we allow ourselves to look at or listen to things that don't make us feel good? You think your thoughts, no one else is thinking them for you, so why think the thoughts that make you feel bad about yourself, someone else, the country, anything?

Things have been going my way lately and I have have been trying to give those things much more attention. I am visiting news.google.com a lot less and ignoring political news much more. My awareness does nothing to change the situation other than give it more energy and attention. I can't change anything and those that are trying to change things seem to be more focused on what they don't want then what they do want. I rather fight for a cause than against one.

With that said, I want to ackowledge and give some attention to the things going right in my corner of the world.


Finances
So many people are struggling with money these days. We have our own struggles, but I am so happy to say they are manageable and no different than they were before everyone went all gloom and doom. Our refinance fell through because someone failed to lock in our rate. Turns out it was a blessing in disguise and a Bank of America employee was able to explain to me that lowering my interest rate wasn't going to save me money in the long run, it was just going to add $8000 and 4.5 years onto the current mortgage. What kind of bank employee tells a customer that??? In addition, this nice man asked if he could keep my number on hand for a time when he needed a pick-me-up because he was impressed with my attitude and how well I handled a crappy situation. I am working a little more these days and will be working a bit more come fall. I am selling jewelry at the farmer's market (more on that in a bit) and so there is extra money coming from that. When it really comes down to it, we could make more sacrifices to save money (internet, digital cable, just not budgeting, etc.), but we haven't had to so we haven't. It's just REALLY nice to be in a feeling of getting ahead as opposed to just getting by and I hope to maintain that.

Jewelry
I started selling at the Bozeman Farmer's Market this summer. I knew it was the best way to ease myself back into the jewelry-making mode I slipped out of after Piper went mobile. It is turning out exactly how I wanted. I haven't had money-making days like my friend Heidi that does screen printing, but I think I have done pretty well considering there are at least another dozen jewelry makes there. It's been nice to get compliments and feedback that my work is different than anyone else they've seen. That really helps me to not worry so much about the competition. I also hoped that some shop owner would see my jewelry there and ask to sell it instead of me putting myself "out there" and approaching them cold. Wishful thinking you say? Well, it happened and I am meeting with them tomorrow morning to work out the details. I have someone else that is one of the directors of Montana Outdoor Science School that may commission me to make some silver aspen leaf jewelry for her. I had no idea who she was when I was babbling on about how I can use metal clay, but it looks like my babbling had a fortunate timing for once. One of the nice things about selling jewelry is that it creates inspiration to make more. It's so much more natural to create out of inspiration as opposed to force. One last thing that I have really appreciated is talking to the people at the market. I forgot about how much I really enjoyed meeting other artists and talking to people in the community I don't know.

Life A.B.C. (after birth control)
continued sometime soon.

Going Apolitical

The image above is from a recent Facebook quiz I took that actually had real questions. I've always thought that I was in the middle of the political spectrum. It was very interesting to see my beliefs actually displayed on a graph. I've called myself a Libertarian in the past, mostly because I am not Democrat or Republican. As I've learned more about Libertarianism, I've found that it runs the gamut in beliefs. The common denominator is free will and self-responsibility. People believing in totally opposite things, but respecting each others right to free will and taking responsibility for it AND still finding themselves under the same umbrella - now that's a political party I want to be affiliated with. Wait, I think my post said I was going apolitical :)

It's no wonder the news irritates me these days. You're either right or left. If you don't believe the same thing as me (general me), well then you're just plain wrong and misguided and let me tell you how. I'm tired of people complaining without offering solutions. Someone that works for my husband made up the rule last year that you're not allowed to bitch about your job unless you are actively looking for another. Interestingly enough, he was the whiniest employee, but he is now in New Mexico so he whined while finding himself a way out. If only the same could be applied to politics. Political arguments that are only complaints and no talk of solutions amount to little more than whining. In recent years, this whining has been taken to a new level because it is legitimized by being aired on umpteen news networks. It seems that all you need is an opinion to become a political correspondent these days. Then there are the the "news" blogs which have become a source of news for people. Long gone are the days of Cronkite where only the facts are delivered and without personal opinion. It's not hard to find something online to support an argument and accept is as fact because it supports what you want to believe.

No one likes to be around the friend that is ALWAYS complaining about their life yet never takes any action to change their circumstances. I really see this as no different.

What it all boils down to is that trying to keep up with what is going on in the country just doesn't feel good to me. Arguing when it's clear that only one person can be right and each side is fighting for the last word doesn't feel good. Reading about things that raise my blood pressure doesn't feel good. I can't help but remember something I was taught in Sunday school as a young child. It was basically about feeling whether or not the spirit of the Lord would feel invited by what you are giving your attention to. You're emotions are what tell you that. If it doesn't feel good, you're not inviting the spirit. If it doesn't feel good, you are only hurting yourself by remaining in that place.

With all that said, I just want to feel good. I got sucked in hard by the need to feel informed during the election. I am now trying to let go of that need. Some might see it as irresponsible to not being informed about the country, I see it as a way to feel better about the country. If all news, good and bad, was delivered on a daily basis - the bad news would be just a blip on the radar. I am a half-full sort of girl so I refuse to listen to doomsayers. You can show me all of the data you want to and I am still going to be hopeful for this world. That's just how I am.

Something finally got me inspired to post

I reconnected with someone I worked with when I was in high school thanks to Facebook (imagine that). I was happy to see that she was married and had finally started the family she had always dreamed of. The start of her family was bittersweet, though. One of her twins was born stillborn, the other survived but has had health problems because they were born so early. He does seem to be doing pretty well these days.

This friend recently posted a link to a blog called Names in the Sand. I am just going to copy and paste from their About Us page because I don't want to get the story wrong.

When your child dies you are left with the most indescribable feeling of emptiness. In some cases there is no record of your child. No recognition of their life. No birth certificate, not even a death certificate. To Write Their Names In The Sand honours, remembers and recognizes the lives of children lost.

That Dream...

"To Write Their Names In The Sand" began in the early hours of August 19th 2008. In her sleep on that cold winter's morning, Carly dreamed of her son Christian for the first time since he was born sound asleep on January 26th 2007.

Carly dreamed that she was walking along the beach when up ahead of her she saw three children playing together. They were laughing and really enjoying their time under the sun. When she got closer to them they ran away up into the sand dunes. When Carly reached the point where the children were playing she saw that they had written their names in the sand.

The children's names were Noah, Bella and Christian. Carly had dreamed of her son. Even though she did not realize it was him until he was gone she felt overwhelmed with love. Christian was there, he was healthy, whole and happy playing on Heaven's beach with his two little friends that left this Earth only a short time before he did.

Carly woke from her sleep at 3am. Her mind was ticking over. She knew this dream would change her life forever. She knew it meant something amazing. That evening at sunset Carly went to the beach, she kept her dream to herself and told no one. She wrote the three names that had appeared in her dream. After she had taken the photo's she stood in the water and prayed. She told God that she would start a children's memorial page and that she would write the names of children who were now with Him instead of their loving families. She asked him for strength and love.

Carly kept the memorial page a secret from Sam. She showed it for the first time to him on Father's Day.

Sam and Carly had no idea that this dream would become something so amazing. They receive on average 150 name requests a day. Carly uses a simple Canon IXUS digital camera to take all the photo's.

Their dream is to bring warm light back into bereaved families lives. They wish for everyone Hope and Peace.



The picture at the top of the page is for my friend's baby and is the entry for August 4. I think this is such an amazing and beautiful way to honor those little souls that just couldn't commit to life this time around. It's also nice to see someone like Carly who has lost so much channel her energy into something so positive. What an amazing woman.

Long Time No Post

I am not a perfectionist, BY ANY MEANS, yet I think perfection has been one of the things that has been keeping me from posting (well that, and Facebook but I am getting to that). How does perfection stop you if you aren't a perfectionist? It stops you by giving you the attitude of "if you can't do it perfectly, then why do it at all?" I learned that from The FlyLady. It really is an interesting concept. How often have you just not done something because you didn't think you'd perform up to some imaginary standard when doing it even just a little bit and in a haphazard way would benefit you more than not doing it? Seems silly when you think about it, yet this is often one of by biggest obstacles to getting things done.

Then there is Facebook, the ultimate time vampire. How does so much time get lost on Facebook? For me it is in bits and pieces and there is a direct correlation to Piper's attention span. Facebook can allow me to escape for brief moments, whereas I feel like I need some good quality time to really write a "good" post (there's my idea of perfection again).

Piper and Grandpa Bell's dog Becker

Piper has become a bit more demanding for attention since we returned from vacation. All of the vacation stimulation has upped her demand for stimulation at home. She's also turned into a seriously inquisitive little girl, even if she doesn't listen to the answer. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, here is a transcript of our trip to Target yesterday.

While shopping for finger nail polish:

Piper: Is that red? Is that red, mom? Is that red? Is that red?

(referring to the neon light above us on the wall)

Me: Yes, that is red, Piper.

Piper: Is that red? Is that red? Is that red? Is that red, mom? (probably a few more times, but you get the point)

While debating whether or not to buy white cheddar rosemary popcorn (and I did):

Piper: Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin?

Me: I am trying to buy us a snack.

Piper: Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin?

Me: The same thing I was doing the last time I answered you.

Piper: Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin?

Me: Slowly going crazy, Piper, what are you doing?

Piper: Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin? Whadaya doin, ma? Whadaya doin?

(At this point, I hear a chuckle coming from the next aisle.)

Then while shopping for cornbread crackers (very delish I might add):

Piper: Is that green? Is that green? Is that green? Is that green? Is that green? (referring to the green neon light above us on the wall?

Me: Yes, Piper, that is green.

(as I type now, I can hear "doing ma? you doing? doing ma? you doing?"

coming from the livingroom)

Piper: Is that green? Is that green, mom? Is that green?

Me: Yes, it is still green. It's the same color as the last time you asked me.

This doesn't even begin to touch on all of the "what's dat?" I get in a day or "is that the train?" or "is that a plane?". I live near railroad tracks and a couple of miles from the airport so you can imagine how many times a day I get asked those questions.

Piper even got out of bed last night to ask me "is that the train?" She stayed up a few minutes and then put herself back to bed. When I went to check on her, she was all covered up by her Dora sleeping bag (despite the fact that it got up to 95 yesterday). Piper then said "door, mom" meaning she wanted me to close her door. She didn't stay in bed for long, but the fact that she put herself back to bed was pretty cool.

And right now she is speaking her geegeleese to me. I call it that because she babbles "geegle geegle geegly geegle-ah?" and it sounds just like a question even though it is jibberish. She used to do it more, but between learning more words and Mike telling her to "use your words" (much like Bessie Higgenbottem tells her brother), she is using it less and less. Sometimes she uses it if she doesn't have words to use. We don't know what she is saying but she will occaisionally banter back and forth with me as I make up my own geegeleese.

But back to Facebook.

I have now had 4 face-to-face Facebook reunions that wouldn't have happened without Facebook (except maybe Becky). Virginia was the first. She wasn't a close friend in school, but we were peripherally friends and had lots of mutual friends. Amy came next. Amy and I were basically the same sort of friends that Virginia and I were, but have become much better friends through Facebook. It's amazing how much we have in common now and we give each other a lot to think about through sharing perspectives.

Piper was there, too, but you can only see the reflection of the back of her head in my sunglasses.

Becky came next just a couple of weeks ago. It was really great to see Becky and al of her kids. I hadn't seen Grace since she was a baby. Seeing all of the kids in person was really fun. I don't know how you handle 4 kids, but you seem to be doing it well. Seeing how independent Maggie was at the park is helping me let Piper be more independent. When you don't have older kids, I don't think you realize how much your baby has really grown up and is capable of because you don't have anything to compare it to. We didn't get any pictures, didn't think about it until we were driving away. Oh well, I am sure there will be another time. Now that I realize how close Spokane is, I might think about checking into art and craft shows there, but that means I would have to start making lots of jewelry again.Not a bad things to do, but like the blog, there hasn't been much jewelry action around here of late.

The last reunion was with Jeremy. Another peripheral friend from high school, but still very good to see. I saw him on my last night (childfree night, I might add) in Portland. He's only been there a year and a half. Up until then, he was in Pocatello working as a DJ. He now works as a DJ for Oregon Public Radio. He is working his dream job playing good music and interviewing tons of up and coming, some soon-to-be-famous bands. We caught up on all kinds of things, but one thing we had in common was our reason why Facebook has been so interesting. We all grew up in a sheltered, small, and relatively poor environment. We all basically started life out of school with the same tools to go off into the world to start our grown-up lives. With that common upbringing, it has been fun to see what choices people made and where they ended up. Some people are exactly the same, some are totally different in both good and bad ways, but everyone has a story to tell.

Somehow my reasons for not posting have become a post and a rather long post at that. Go figure.

Until next time. Hopefully next time comes a bit sooner than a month.

45 Rules to Live By

Forwarded to me by an old friend...

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone and everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Garden Talk

May seems like it has been a busier month, but I think that's because it's finally warmed up here so we are "wasting" more time hanging out outside and trying to get yard/garden projects done.  I am proud to say the garden is planted earlier than ever this year.  I think a full 3 weeks ahead of last year.  Hopefully, another June snowstorm doesn't come along this year.  Funny sidenote on that, there is an amazing new series on Animal Planet about wildlife in Yellowstone.  An episode I saw over the weekend was about all of the animals coming out of hibernation only to be greeted by a huge blizzard.  Then I realized I experienced that exact same storm last June and had been thankful my garden wasn't in yet.  Let's hope the Yellowstone wildlife don't have another June blizzard for all of our sakes.  

Ok, back to garden specifics.  This year I really want to plant stuff that we would use, not just stuff that seemed fun to grow.  My garden isn't that big so I want to make sure I use it efficiently.  I have 5 different kinds of tomatoes planted, including one cherry tomato plant specifically for Piper.  I found an easy way to preserve tomatoes that isn't canning them so bring on the bumper crop.  I am putting tomatoes out earlier this year with the help of those plastic water walls.  My friend January swears by them and she is the sort of friend whose advice should never be ignored (she's a supermom, as in does everything, super-saver, 2 girl scout troops, on a gazillion school-related committees, and makes it all look relatively easy).  

What else.  I have red, purple, and yukon gold potatoes planted.  Red and yellow onions, lots of yellow because we eat A LOT of onions.  I bought some pea plants and planted some more from seed.  I bought the pea plants to get a head start for Piper's benefit because she LOVES to go pick fresh peas (and tomatoes) and eat them on the spot.  Peas are also cold hardy so they are more likely to survive Montana springs.  I wasn't going to plant corn because it takes up so much space, but then I found red corn (laughing now on the inside because it just made me think of John Redcorn ala King of the Hill).

How could I resist growing corn that looked like that?  We now have 3 short rows.  I've also planted some asparagus this year.  You can't harvest for 3 years, but it will be nice to be able to pick my own asparagus.  I remember as a kid, it grew wild along the ditch banks and my mom would sometimes make us go help her pick it.  I hated it then, but love it now (all but the stinky pee).  Grilled and wrapped in pancetta mmm mmm mmm......  I planted cucumbers even though I am the only one that eats them.  I hope to make my own pickles this year even though I am the only one that eats them, too.  

I am trying something new with my squash thanks to a tip found by my friend Gina.  Mike is going to build be a trellis similar to this.   I am hoping this will help the zucchini and butternuts from taking over the garden with their vines.  I said I wasn't going to try butternut again because our season isn't quite long enough, but I REALLY love butternut squash.  Seeds are a cheap investment and I am starting earlier this year so I just might get some semblance of a butternut crop this year.  

More.  I am growing my pole beans on the dog kennel again because it makes for a good trellis and camouflages it a bit, too.  There's a few jalapeno plants for making salsa or eating fresh on Mexican food.  Those are yet another thing my mom made me eat when I was young, as in make beef stew with jalapenos for dinner.  I definitely know where I got my spicy cravings from.  I also planted some carrots and beets.  I haven't planted beets before and I loved those from my Grandma's garden steamed with butter as a child.  I saw a recipe where you grilled them so that inspired me to grow them.  Grilling vegetables really gives veggies a different but oh so yummy flavor.  When the veggies start to brown, their natural sugars begin to carmelize giving them a slightly sweet but roasted flavor.  I also have spinach and lettuce.  Greens are always good to have around.  I bought some strawberry plants this year (also for Piper).  Not enough to do much with but snacking, but good snacking strawnerries they will be.  

Herbs.  There's rosemary I kept inside from last year over the winter.  Dill for making those aforementioned pickles and cilantro for the aformentioned salsa.  I haven't planted the basil yet (just remembered I forgot those), but I like to make homemade pesto sometimes (it freezes well) and chopped basil also good to toss with fresh garlic and tomatoes and pasta.  I don't use much fresh oregano, but I read recently about planting it in your flowergarden to fill in empty space.  I can't remember if it is a perennial or just reseeds well, either way it comes back every year.  My flower garden could use some more variety so why not have some fresh oregano in there, too.  

Gardening is a lot of work, but it's also immensely satisfying to grow your own food.  You can go out everyday and see how things have changed.  It may take a while before you harvest, but the process of it all is very entertaining so the work is all worth it.  Wow, I think there was just a bit of an epiphany there and I didn't even mean for it.  I think I'll end with that thought and repeat it once again for effect.  

It may take a while before you harvest, but the process of it all is very entertaining so the work is all worth.  

(insert your goal or dream in place of "it")

***For those of you that have visited this blog recently, the May 13th post only appeared today.  It's just been sitting in drafts unfinished.  So you're not crazy when you think it wasn't there before.

Having a Body

as opposed to being a body.  I read that in a book recently and I think I am finally getting what that means.  

One way to feel better about your self-image is to make a list of all of the things that you do like about your body.  Some of these may include how well your body functions on it's own, how your legs take you every where you go, or how amazing it really is to be pregnant.  None of those things would have been on my list because from my perspective, that's just what my body is supposed to do.  Big deal.  

Then I read about this idea of having a body as opposed to being a body.  We are really spirit with the privilege of inhabiting human body.  Our bodies are essentially a tool for spirit to manifest itself into physical.  What an amazing tool!  With that in mind, shouldn't we care for our bodies, tend to our bodies needs in a way that is going to maximize the use of this tool?  You get what you put into to it couldn't be more true - not just with eating, but also with your thoughts and emotions.  

Now that's some food for thought.  

Evidence things are going my way

(and other notes of appreciation)

-  I am finally posting on my blog.  I went through some more hormonal crap there for a while. Long story short.  Mirena in.  Mirena made me crazy and might have given my heart murmurs. Mirena provides more info to doctors than patients regarding side effects (even my doctor wasn't aware of this). Had I had all of the info, I wouldn't have gotten it.  Mirena out and I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER.  I think a small part of the reason I didn't write here was because I didn't want to focus on the crap at hand anymore than had to.  

- I can't help but wonder if my hormone issues and my clairvoyant class were supposed to happen at the same time because both have certainly helped me figure out what emotions were mine and what emotions were do to the hormones.  

- I am not the person I was a year ago.  Looking back, I think I have said that 3 times since I ahve been married.  In a way, that makes me sound a bit schizo.  In reality, it just means I am just a new and improved version of former self.  Even Mike recognizes it.  He doesn't totally get my class or other things I do, but he sees it working for me.  He's even learning from my example and putting things into practive in his own life.  Who knew my somewhat selfish venture into self-improvement would end up helping my husband become a better man?

- I am getting better at standing up for myself.  After getting stood up TWICE for an appointment with the shopowner where I sell jewelry in downtown Bozeman, I was able to politely tell her how much she inconvenienced me.  She's technically stood me up a third time, but it was over a year ago.  Two months in a row was just too much.  I also had the courage to go in and pull all of my inventory because I do not have to tolerate anyone treating me that way, let alone someone whose schedule I had always made a point to accomodate.  It was SO NICE to own my power.  

- I feel more comfortable speaking my mind or from my heart.  I question myself less and trust myself more.  There is great relief in trusting one's self.  

- I am looking at myself in the mirror (even naked).  I haven't lost weight, but I am becoming less round and more curvy.  I still want to lose weight, but it's nice to still feel OK and find some appreciation with where you are at.  I workout with Wii Fit 3x week.  I would like to do more, but I'm still proud that I have maintained that frequency.  I am proud to say I scored 94/100 holding the plank position for 30 seconds yesterday.  I NEVER thought that would be as easy as it was.  It is really nice to feel strong even if I am not as slender as I would like to be.   

- I finally got some pictures of new jewelry taken to list on my Etsy site.  I am continually unpressed with the quality of the pictures I take (at least when they turn out) because I am using a 7-year old digital camera that doesn't even have a macro lens.  I don't even use a tripod even though I have one.  I probably should, but get lucky most of the time.  I hope to work on some new items soon.  I look forward to doing the Bozeman Farmer's Market.  It may not be the regular show schedule I had pre-Piper, but it is supposed to be an excellent venue to sell at.  Here are a few new items I will be listing:

- It was just over a year ago that I started this blog.  At that time, I felt lonely and depressed.  I realize those feelings were exacerbated by birth control, but they were still occupying my head.  The loneliness was probably most dominant.  Now I look around me and see an abundance of amazing people I call friends.  A lot of that is thanks to Facebook, but that was probably a bit of a blessing in disguise considering what access I have to like-minded people here.  It's been SO nice to find old and new friends.  

-Looking back at this time last year, I also see that was when the beginning of the end of my friendship with Lisa.  I am happy to say that I don't think about her as much as I used to.  Memories of her would generally conjure up feelings of general pissedoffedness (wow, spell-check actually recognizes that word) and justification of why I needed to end that friendship. There's something I've learned about justifying.  People only justify when they are not sure of themselves.  Justification is really just a way to persuade people to see things your way so you can give yourself "evidence" to feel better about whatever it is.  Justification is not always bad, but it's often a sign of self-doubt.  I think I am approaching a place of indifference towards her and that's a much better place that being pissed and feeling wronged.  A friend of mine that met her and heard about the situation asked me if I was ever going to be friends with her again.  First of all, he's a man so he doesn't understand why I just don't get over it.  I explained to him that I was friends with her for less than a year so it wasn't a hard tie to cut.  I asked him if she thought she had changed and he said no.  I then asked him why I should put myself back into a situation that will likely give me the same old result.  He agreed that I shouldn't.  It was nice to be able to explain to him that I am letting this go, but it doesn't mean I have to be her friend.  I wish her no ill will, but I don't need to tolerate her drama and personal issues when they negatively impact my life.  

I can't help but see the parallel between Lisa and the shopowner because it was ultimately their flakiness that ended the relationships.  In both situations, I politely explained how their flakiness was a huge inconvenience to me.  Both times, they still did it again.  I can't change them, but I can change how I deal with them (which is to not deal with them) and that is more or less what I told both of them.  This year it was nice to have the courage and calmness to do it face-to-face as opposed to last year's email because I was too overwhelmed with emotions to even speak clearly.  I've come a long way, baby.  

Piper thinks I need to get off of the computer now so I guess I am done.  You can only ignore momomomomomomomomomomomomom for so long.  Hope to write again soon.    

Good Quotes

I tend to let these pile up in my inbox and then they get forgotten. I like saving them here because I can just tag the post as quotes and instantly get taken to them.

One of the very first things I figured out about life...is that it's better to be a hopeful person than a cynical, grumpy one, because you have to live in the same world either way, and if you're hopeful, you have more fun.

— Barbara Kingsolver 

(Maybe this is why Obama laughs and smiles so much)

My greatest luxury is silence. 

—Jean-Georges Vongerichten, chef 

     (They must have had 2-year old when they said that)

Most successful people begin with two beliefs: the future can 

be better than the present, and I have the power to make it so.

—David Brooks

( I don't know how it could be any other way)

When I see danger, I step away. When I think I can move forward, 

I move ahead, and when I think I can come closer, I do. Sometimes 

I am wrong, but often, if I pay attention, I am right, and these 

maps of my own instincts guide me as surely as any by Rand McNally would.

—Mary Morris

(I want to live this way more)

Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. 

It is not something physical.

—Sophia Loren

    (I want to believe this more)

We should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, 

only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them.

—Alain de Botton

(So very true)

Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, 

because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely 

places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.

—Roald Dahl

(I believe in magic, do you?)

Since I am not sleeping anyway

What is up with my insomnia? I don't even have Piper to blame. Since I have been up since 3:30am (which was 2:30 old time) and it is now 5:30 and I am still WIDE awake, I decided I might as well start on the large to-do list I've amassed for myself. Why not start with blogging?

I've noticed some random(?)traffic since I went public again. I even got a hit from Australia due to the search terms "exhude confidence". Whoever you are, I hope my post helped you in what you were looking for.

While lying on the couch not sleeping, I started thinking about my job and how I feel a bit ashamed to tell people I am "just" a banquet server. I don't think it is a huge issue for me, but it's there in the back of my mind nonetheless. So I decided I needed to do a rampage of appreciation about my job because it's really not so bad.


- I get along really well with all of my direct coworkers. I work with 5 guys in their early to mid 20s. They are a source of a lot of laughs, but they are also really intelligent so we can actually have "real" conversations. My other 2 coworkers are people I actually call friends and I don't use that term loosely. Jan is my age and a stay-at-home mom, too. She's someone I can always rely on for good advice. Tom is not someone I would have thought I would be good friends with, but I am glad that we are. He's even an occasional fishing buddy for Mike. I sometimes forget that they are my friends because I really only talk to them when I work (which can be sporadic). The beauty is that we always pick up where we left off. It's nice to have friendships that aren't based on how much you get to see each other.

- I laugh A LOT while I am work. Just last Saturday, I got to watch Colton drink 2 quarts of gravy for $45. I think the last dare of this sort was a large serving spoonful of whipped butter that had to be eaten in a short amount of time. It's amazing what some people will do for a few bucks. Later Saturday night. I got Colton, John, and Andrew to each walk behind the State Senate Majority Leader as he was being interviewed on camera by the local news. It should be on today's news and I look forward to the laugh it will give me.

- I make good money. Where else can I make $20-$30/hour at a part-time job and still have lots of fun?

- This job is a perfect compliment to me staying at home with Piper. It is also a good way to supplement my jewelry income (whenever that starts happening again).

- Part of my "shame" about my job is because I am not using my Master's degree or rather this job should be beneath someone that has a MS. Yet, the thought of having my previous job as a soil scientist almost makes me cringe. It was too serious and just too much responsibility (my decisions sometimes affected property ownership rights). Even though I was good at it, it just wasn't meant for me. I knew that before I started grad school, but I couldn't refuse the offer of someone paying me full-time as a job to go to school. I think I was at grad school for something besides a degree, but that's another story completely.

- I get a discount at most Best Westerns because I am an employee. I also get a 17% corporate discount on my Verizon bill.

- I often get to take leftover food home. London Broil, chocolate mousse cake and tiramisu were this week's bonus. I once brought home half of a prime rib.

- I generally only work nights so I don't have to pay a babysitter.

- I only have to go to the other side of the building to get a drink after work and the bar is super-nice since the remodel.

- Working there has helped me meet a lot of people in the area.

- Hearing about other people's drama in other departments makes me more thankful for life and my priorities.

OK, what was the issue I had with my job?

I've Got My Eyes on You

That's the title of my new blog intro you'll see off to the right. As most of you know, I recently made my blog private for a couple of different reasons, but it didn't feel good. I did it as a knee-jerk reaction. I've since come to terms with those things and I actually think it might even make my blog better (even if only to me and that's all that matters). Those of you that have already linked to me, but are actually commenting here and I know who you are (and you know who you are), no worries. I also don't care if someone finds me through your blog, chances are I'll just think it is you anyway. It's mostly a matter of principle to me, if you know what I mean. All I am asking for is a common courtesy.

"I've got my eyes on you" was something that Ed O'Neill's character said on a now-canceled John from Cincinnati on HBO. He say as he would point to his eyes with pointer and middle fingers and then point at the same guy he was always saying this to. He also thought his dead wife's spirit was inside his parakeet so it was really funny for his character say (you probably had to be there). Mike didn't even like the show, but he even thought that it was funny and we occasionally to this day use it as an inside joke. Point of all that is that this saying holds a lot of humor in it's message to me. It's not supposed to sound paranoid or anything like that. OK, off to go public again.