Lots of Writing...

Other than playgroup this morning, I've spent lots of time writing. All messages and conversations with friends. While I have definitely spent too much time online today, it's nice to be able to "complain" about having to many friends to chat with. While on the writing roll, I thought it best to conclude my writing today here.

First, I want to share a really great blog my friend Gina found: http://kindovermatter.blogspot.com/ It fits well with my current frame of mind and it's well worthy of passing along. It reminds me of a blog posting from the NieNie Dialogues where Nie and a friend with their daughters left kind little notes (such as: someone thinks you are special) around Mesa, AZ for people to stumble upon. Speaking of Nie, she survived a near fatal airplane crash just a year ago and was burned over much of her body. She recently posted a picture of herself, something she hadn't done since the accident. What an amazing spirit this young woman has.

And finally...

Life A.B.C.

My husband can tell you he's been through many different versions of myself. Part of that was due to getting married so young and growing up as me growing up as we went along, but part of that was due to me finding 'myself' (as cheesy as it sounds) and finding what it is I believe about life. I've never been one to just accept a belief without living some sort of evidence of that and I was finally able to find that during my mid-20s crisis. Another version of me emerged after we moved to Montana. In retrospect, each new version of me was the result of me letting go of expectations other people had of me. I was caring less and less about what other people thought and more about what I thought, what I felt. It was incredibly emancipating.

Then came my 30s. I'd heard and read that your 30s were so much better than your 20s because you become much more comfortable with yourself. I was looking forward to that. I also heard that that's when women's sex drives peaked so I was looking forward to that, too, since I didn't seem to have much of one.

So instead of things getting better for me like I thought, things got worse and came to a peak just over a year ago. I weighed more than I did when I was pregnant, was NOT happy with many things (not my nature AT ALL), and felt a little crazy - literally. This new version of me was not good at all. In my "craziness", I was coherent enough to see that I was thinking illogical thoughts and finding evidence to readily support those thoughts and experiencing the resulting emotions, but that didn't make any difference to me. It was like something had hijacked my head. I thought many times that I would love to blame it on hormones, how nice that would have been, but it was easy to find reasons for everything and blaming it hormones somehow seemed like a cop-out, like I alone needed to bear the responsibility of my unhappiness.

Then one day I realized that my change in behavior could be traced back to a change in my birth control, just one generic to another and I had never had problems with the pill before (or so I thought) so I didn't think much of it. So I did a search online about my particular prescription. While I believe that looking up symptoms online is a good way to freak yourself out, if only .5% of the stories I glanced over were true - my birth control was to blame. A wave of relief swept over me so great I started to cry. I stopped taking it at that time and didn't consult with my doctor because I knew she was going to try to rule out other causes and I'd already done that.

My next option for birth control was Mirena. That really messed with me, too, but in a different way than the pill. I had seen a glimmer of "normality" in the few months between quitting the pill and getting Mirena so I could tell immediately that I didn't like it. Six weeks of that and I had it taken out. I really just needed to not be on hormones at all for a while. I had been on birth control since I was probably 19 or 20. I really just needed to find out what my body was like not on birth control. Turned out it was a much better (and the now current) version of myself.

I've been birth control-free since Paril. It's crazy (literally?) how much different my thought patterns are now. It's like old forgotten synapses are firing again and new ones being formed. My mind is really working in a different way and it was a bit of a trip (albeit an exciting trip) at first to experience that. PMS flare-ups remind how I once was, but that's getting better with each month. This month it was almost like a switch went off in my head signaling PMS. I was literally aware of the moment it happened. It's nice to be able to recognize that and to exert some sort of control over it instead of it controlling me.

Another great thing is I've lost 13 pounds since I went off birth control. I only exercise 3x a week and my diet has not changed at all. I thought about the connection between my weight and birth control some, but once again I was able to find other reasons like getting older, my appetite for wine and the fact that most of the women in my mom's family are overweight. It wasn't until I looked at my weight over time on a graph (thanks to Wii Fit). My weight didn't changed more than about 3 pounds since I received the Wii Fit in October. Once April came along, the curve of the line changed dramatically and I have lost 10 pounds since.

So that got me thinking about how I managed to gain 50 pounds, yes 50, since I graduated from college. That was another thing I wanted to blame on hormones over the years and I really should have listened to that voice. Even when I lost 10 pounds after getting pregnant (no morning sickness, mind you), I didn't connect it to the birth control. Instead, I blamed it on getting older, my appetite for wine and the fact that most of the women in my mom's family are overweight. Blah, blah, blah.

While I was in college, even though I had insurance I would go to the student health center to get birth control because it was cheaper and more convenient. My school had a contract to supply Ortho-cyclen's birth control so I was on the "name-brand" birth control all while I was in school and still a size 9. My nurse practitioner gave me an extended prescription at my last visit with her there so I didn't have to find another doctor so soon. I was able to refill at the school pharmacy while still a student, but once I graduate I had to transfer the prescription to a regular pharmacy. After I started using my insurance for birth control, I got the generic equivalent for what I had been taking because that's all my insurance would pay for. Since I had never had a problem with the pill, I thought nothing of it. I was also still quite young and not as in touch with myself or my body so when changes started happening, I didn't know that they weren't just a natural progression. Now I know differently, VERY differently. So I think I will blame my weight on the birth control after all.

I've had a few moments of bitterness, of "I was robbed" of this or that. Last year's bout with hormones put a huge strain on my marriage because of my own unhappiness. Plus, my weight gain over the years has played into self-esteem issues that existed when I was thin. It's interesting that I became the body that I always feared back then. I wish I knew then what I do now - I would have been a lot easier and kinder to myself. Yet instead of being bitter, I look around and see a new amazing chapter of my life opening up with a new amazing version of myself. I'm thankful Piper was too young to really remember much of that time with me because it wasn't at all representative of who I really am. I laugh so much more now. I am regaining my creativity. It wasn't totally gone, but it's definitely been muted for a while. I am excited for the possibilities and dreaming again. I am really truly finding just how great my 30s can be.

The better it gets, the better it gets...