Quit it Erin, you're doing it again

This is quite personal for a blog, but I am in need of some therapy. Writing here and knowing someone actually reads this and cares means a lot to me so thanks to my friends that do. I have had a rough couple of days and I am really emotionally drained. I can't stop rerunning it through my head and I really need to stop it. I know better, yet I have allowed this to make me lose sleep and lose my appetite (although that's not totally a bad thing). Sleep has been welcoming when it does come because it has been a chance to disconnect and there's always the first few moments upon awakening that your mind is clean and fresh.

A friend and I are having a serious difference in opinion on a situation and it has shown a side to her that makes me think I am not sure I can trust my feelings with again. I know she feels justified, but I also do, too. We both have a lot emotional baggage so we are both viewing the situation through our own distorted filter, but like she said - I need to stand up for myself. I do too, but a problem arises when your value systems do not line up with each other. What may be acceptable to one, is not necessarily acceptable to another.

I let her know my vulnerabilities, more so than any other friend I have ever had. She also shared a lot about herself with me. I felt like there was a level of personal tolerance between us because we both knew we had our own issues, often very similar, that we were currently trying to work though. I think that is why this bothers me as much as it does.

I have only known her for about a year, but the friendship with her has allowed me to grow in so many ways. I really made an effort to be a better friend because I haven't always handled things well with friends in the past. This was a chance for me to change. I have, but I guess not enough, at least for this realtionship.

So as with all negative situations, I am trying to find the things I have learned from this situation so I know that it wasn't all a huge waste of time and energy. Things generally happen for reason and people come into (and out of) your life for a reason.

What I've learned...

I need to be more selective in my friends. Moving to Montana wasn't a huge culture shock. I've lived in the intermountain west my entire life. One difference I was looking forward to in Montana was a variety of religions. I also lived all of my life inside the "Zion Curtain". I am no longer active in the Mormon church for a number of reasons, but living in Montana is helping me remember all of the good things I gained from my being a part of that religion - especially when it comes to work ethics, character, and the golden rule. Those don't totally apply to my current situation, but I think they do a bit in ways peripherally.

I haven't had many friends since moving to Montana. Moving from grad school to professional career and then to a typically service-oriented, high school diploma world has been interesting. I am not trying to be snobby. I don't want to go back to the professional world and not everyone is meant for higher education. It has been really nice to be free of so many responsibilities and accountability for a change. I have always been Miss Responsible. Yet outside of that world is a lot of people lacking commitment. I never realized how big of a deal that was to me until someone wasn't holding their's with me. I don't think that holding one's word should be such an effort, but I have met A LOT of people here that have a hard time doing do. I shouldn't expect them to change, but I shouldn't have to settle either.


Sometimes a door opens when another door closes. This friend was a mentor of sorts, but I don't think she realized it because I have such an independent attitude. She is a psychic and is knowledgeable in many metaphysical areas. I loved interacting with her because I had never had anyone I could discuss those kind of things with before. The same day this all went down is the same day I found out for sure that I am taking the clairvoyant class. Maybe this situation was just a springboard for other better things.

Be careful being friends with a psychic. Things that I was trying to work through internally because of her must have been very apparent. Yeah, she was annoying me but I was really trying to get past it.

Maybe I am kind of a drag to talk to right now. I have never in my life had someone tell me that, but I also have never felt this low before. I don't think I would call myself full-blown depressed because I was an extremely upbeat person to begin with, but I know I have been in a bit of a funk for some time now. I guess I expected a little more sensitivity from a friend, but maybe it's the wake-up call that I have been needing (in more ways than one). I get what I focus upon.

My husband is really my best friend. It's not that I didn't really know it. He wasn't supposed to be home last night. He had the fortunate timing of calling me during the phone call with my friend. I didn't know when I was going to hear from him again because he was going camping for work so I took that as my opportunity to get out of the emotional lashing I was taking. Turned out he was on his way home. He was so supportive at listening and he knew the effort I had put into the situation. Maybe he has more than I realized in what I have been looking for in a girlfriend.

Maybe having a girlfriend that is the whole package is too idealistic. In the variety of friends that I have that have no connection to each other, I am realizing that maybe I just need to have different categories of friends . Maybe having one that is the whole package for me is too much to ask because I am who I am. Maybe I need to reevaluate why having a close friend like that is so important to me.


OK, done spewing for now. I know my list could probably go on, but I have been typing for a while and this feels like a good place to stop. Time for a glass of wine.