Better today

First a good quote that I just received:

"Did you know that..
The only bondage that exist is that self inflicted bondage of having habits
of thoughts upon things that hurt when you think about them.
And, you might be recalling sometime before you were so aware in being
a deliberate creator that you focused on things that hurt you.
And you know, when your energy is moving as fast as its moving and
when you focus on something in opposition, your gonna feel it in a keen
way. Don't worry about that, just lift off that thought and find one that feels better. In time you will find that nothing will hurt you, because you have the power to focus where you will focus!"

Abraham-Hicks Phoenix, AZ 1-3-2008


Feeling much better today. Who knew that writing could help me so much. It's sorta like a mental release, like writing the words helps to releases the energy attached to them.

Another quote that I found a couple of months later is also a good one:
You are perfect

Lots to do today. We are having a garage sale with the neighbors Friday and Saturday and Mike had to go out of town unexpectedly so I am trying to get all of the together. It's so nice to get rid of unwanted or severely under-used items in the house. It generally just makes room for more, but they are usually better things that replace them so it all works out.

Not going to write much today, but want to list some things I am appreciating to help keep me on the brighter path.

- I love that Piper slept in until 5:30 this morning. Her nap schedule is readjusting and she was having a fit at 5 last night so she went to bed shortly thereafter. I thought for sure I would be up when I wanted to go to bed or up way early the next day. I was smart enough to go to bed early myself so we are both well-rested.

- I love that my whole personal drama that I have been dealing with has shown me that I have better places to put my focus. Maybe I need to worry less about having the idealistic friend and focus on the bright little being that I am raising.

- I love that I have been interacting with my neighbor more on a personal level. She never fit my idea of someone that could be my friend. Maybe I have been limiting myself by wanting to much in a person.

- I love how blogging is helping me to reconnect with people and helping me to express myself.

- I love that most of the stuff I need to sort through for the garage sale is in the cool basement.

- I love the internet for too many reasons to list.

Quit it Erin, you're doing it again

This is quite personal for a blog, but I am in need of some therapy. Writing here and knowing someone actually reads this and cares means a lot to me so thanks to my friends that do. I have had a rough couple of days and I am really emotionally drained. I can't stop rerunning it through my head and I really need to stop it. I know better, yet I have allowed this to make me lose sleep and lose my appetite (although that's not totally a bad thing). Sleep has been welcoming when it does come because it has been a chance to disconnect and there's always the first few moments upon awakening that your mind is clean and fresh.

A friend and I are having a serious difference in opinion on a situation and it has shown a side to her that makes me think I am not sure I can trust my feelings with again. I know she feels justified, but I also do, too. We both have a lot emotional baggage so we are both viewing the situation through our own distorted filter, but like she said - I need to stand up for myself. I do too, but a problem arises when your value systems do not line up with each other. What may be acceptable to one, is not necessarily acceptable to another.

I let her know my vulnerabilities, more so than any other friend I have ever had. She also shared a lot about herself with me. I felt like there was a level of personal tolerance between us because we both knew we had our own issues, often very similar, that we were currently trying to work though. I think that is why this bothers me as much as it does.

I have only known her for about a year, but the friendship with her has allowed me to grow in so many ways. I really made an effort to be a better friend because I haven't always handled things well with friends in the past. This was a chance for me to change. I have, but I guess not enough, at least for this realtionship.

So as with all negative situations, I am trying to find the things I have learned from this situation so I know that it wasn't all a huge waste of time and energy. Things generally happen for reason and people come into (and out of) your life for a reason.

What I've learned...

I need to be more selective in my friends. Moving to Montana wasn't a huge culture shock. I've lived in the intermountain west my entire life. One difference I was looking forward to in Montana was a variety of religions. I also lived all of my life inside the "Zion Curtain". I am no longer active in the Mormon church for a number of reasons, but living in Montana is helping me remember all of the good things I gained from my being a part of that religion - especially when it comes to work ethics, character, and the golden rule. Those don't totally apply to my current situation, but I think they do a bit in ways peripherally.

I haven't had many friends since moving to Montana. Moving from grad school to professional career and then to a typically service-oriented, high school diploma world has been interesting. I am not trying to be snobby. I don't want to go back to the professional world and not everyone is meant for higher education. It has been really nice to be free of so many responsibilities and accountability for a change. I have always been Miss Responsible. Yet outside of that world is a lot of people lacking commitment. I never realized how big of a deal that was to me until someone wasn't holding their's with me. I don't think that holding one's word should be such an effort, but I have met A LOT of people here that have a hard time doing do. I shouldn't expect them to change, but I shouldn't have to settle either.


Sometimes a door opens when another door closes. This friend was a mentor of sorts, but I don't think she realized it because I have such an independent attitude. She is a psychic and is knowledgeable in many metaphysical areas. I loved interacting with her because I had never had anyone I could discuss those kind of things with before. The same day this all went down is the same day I found out for sure that I am taking the clairvoyant class. Maybe this situation was just a springboard for other better things.

Be careful being friends with a psychic. Things that I was trying to work through internally because of her must have been very apparent. Yeah, she was annoying me but I was really trying to get past it.

Maybe I am kind of a drag to talk to right now. I have never in my life had someone tell me that, but I also have never felt this low before. I don't think I would call myself full-blown depressed because I was an extremely upbeat person to begin with, but I know I have been in a bit of a funk for some time now. I guess I expected a little more sensitivity from a friend, but maybe it's the wake-up call that I have been needing (in more ways than one). I get what I focus upon.

My husband is really my best friend. It's not that I didn't really know it. He wasn't supposed to be home last night. He had the fortunate timing of calling me during the phone call with my friend. I didn't know when I was going to hear from him again because he was going camping for work so I took that as my opportunity to get out of the emotional lashing I was taking. Turned out he was on his way home. He was so supportive at listening and he knew the effort I had put into the situation. Maybe he has more than I realized in what I have been looking for in a girlfriend.

Maybe having a girlfriend that is the whole package is too idealistic. In the variety of friends that I have that have no connection to each other, I am realizing that maybe I just need to have different categories of friends . Maybe having one that is the whole package for me is too much to ask because I am who I am. Maybe I need to reevaluate why having a close friend like that is so important to me.


OK, done spewing for now. I know my list could probably go on, but I have been typing for a while and this feels like a good place to stop. Time for a glass of wine.

Afternoon Ramblings

I wish I had the time to post all the things that I think about posting. I have some pretty good ideas come to me at random times of the day. I should really write them down because when I do have the time, I have the tendency to draw a blank.

I took a Level 1 EFT class over the weekend. EFT is based on the same principles of acupressure and acupuncture. The I heard about it from a friend about 7 or 8 years ago. Back then, it seemed a little to hokey for me. I came across a local practitioner over the winter and decided to give it a try. It still seemed hokey to me, but I was a little more informed and much more open-minded than I had been then. I was also impressed with the fact that there is a TON of free info on the official web site and you can do EFT on yourself.

EFT can be used on emotional or physical issues. It's hard to quantify improvements in emotional states. Physical problems are obviously easier to measure. I saw first-hand evidence of both. I saw one woman that felt guilty because her mom fell outside, was outside all night and subsequently died. This woman couldn't have done anything about it, she didn't know until right before her mom died - but she was riddled with what ifs? We've all been there. With just a few minutes of EFT, she was able to retell the story of what happened in detail with out experiencing any negative emotion. In fact, she laughed because she was so surprised because she couldn't even tell the story without crying prior to that. Later while working in teams of 2, I helped a woman regain more feeling in her finger that had been numb for the last 9 months due to a surgery. Kathy, the practitioner, had started the process earlier, but we got even further when just the 2 of us were doing it.

On a somewhat sour note, I put not one, but both of my feet in my mouth. Coincidentally, or rather not, the wife (or ex-wife I thought) of my former supervisor happened to be in my class. I thought it was a funny, but cool, coincidence because from what little I knew of her we could get along and I also thought I shared a mutual dislike of her husband with her. I introduced myself and told her I had heard she had gotten divorced. Her response, "Divorce? We're not divorced." and then went on the ask if I knew that they moved and that he was still doing well working at the Marlboro Ranch (that's Marlboro as in cigarettes and yes there really is one but it has a less tacky name)

Wha? I had heard this secondhand from a good friend that talked directly with him. Well, it turned out that my friend had said they were separated, but POSSIBLY getting divorced. Oops. She did introduce herself during the class by her maiden name and I know she didn't even go by her maiden name professionally. I later offered an apology for even mentioning it and left it at that.

I felt bad, but I really didn't know and what little I know of their marriage and financial situation and ALL that I know about Walter's character, a divorce was not a surprise to me. I felt embarrassed. I honestly can't believe I brought such a thing up in retrospect. All I can say is that it is karma for Walter. He has a serious problem of running his mouth off and getting himself in trouble. I had no ill intent and if they are working on things he shouldn't be telling people he's not living at home and possibly getting a divorce and that he is tired of supporting his mother-in-law, etc.

He was such a major double-talker and told people what they wanted to hear even if it was opposite of what he told someone else and it all finally caught up to him. I could tolerate his immature BS, even for a 40 year old man, but I know he knew I saw through his charade. He had also talked a lot of crap to me about others. Once he realized I wasn't playing his games anymore and saw him for who he really was, things changed. We never had any confrontation of any kind, I think it was more what I didn't say that clued him in. He started cutting my hours. I may just be a part-time banquet server, but I make $15-$25 dollars an hour and I don't have to talk to people unless they ask for something. He told my current supervisor that the reason he cut my hours was because I wasn't thankful enough for the ones he gave me?!?! It had nothing to do with the fact that I was questioning why someone he hired to be my replacement months before I even took maternity leave then starts giving them my hours despite the fact that I even brought him a Dr.'s note OKing me for work. Fortunately for me, I eventually quit to have Piper and when the opportunity to come back arose, he had moved on to Emphysema Acres. That's not the only thing he said about me either. If he hadn't moved on and if others hadn't finally saw through the BS, too, I would be seriously pissed, but I also know that people know me well enough to question what he told them. Now I can laugh off how ridiculous he acted and feel vindicated in knowing I saw his true character almost from the start. It just took others a bit longer to see that the everyone's buddy was really a slimy weasel.

As evil as it sounds, I can't help but take a small bit of satisfaction in knowing I caused some trouble for him. I am just sorry his (ex)wife may have been upset over it.

How does my garden grow?


I am quite proud of my garden this year, especially considering that it didn't get planted until June 2nd. I had high hopes for it this year. I even planted a lot of seeds ahead of time. Those that didn't freeze or get scorched on our one hot day in May, rotted because we had so much rain. This is only my 4th year having a garden, so I am still learning and fine-tuning - but I think that never ends with gardening and is part of the fun. I also take great satisfaction in knowing I helped create some of the food we eat.

This year I have 4 different kinds of tomatoes, 3 different kinds of potatoes (red, brown, & purple), green beans, peas, onions, bell peppers, radishes, spinach, lettuce, carrots, butternut squash, cucumbers, tomatillos, basil, and rosemary. That list seems quite long now that I have it typed out. Seems like a lot of stuff, but it's really just a little of this, a little of that. Nothing is really producing right now other than radishes. Hopefully the growing season will last long enough to get a good crop out of everything.

I also have a lot of flowers. They are a necessity to me. I have probably spent $100 just on flowers this year, but it was some much needed therapy for me during the long gray spring here. The little white flowers in the picture below were one of the few things that survived from the seeds I planted. They've been quite prolific and I have actually had to thin them out in places.


I took the picture above when I was blowing bubbles with Piper (I think I was having more fun than her that afternoon). The bubble lasted long enough for me to go in the house to get my camera.

What I want...

Since we transitioned to living on a single income, I have realized that I have turned off a lot of my "wants". While I am thankful that we are making it on one income, have all that we do, and haven't had to make any serious sacrifices, there's still not a lot left over for the luxuries in life. I have found it easier to to just not want things. Somehow my other personal intangible wants also got forgotten, but I guess that came with motherhood. Fortunately, it dawned on me that if I don't want something in the first place - I am never going to get it.

I need to go look at the vision boards that I made a few months ago. I know without looking I have manifested a leather reclining couch, a nicely loaded SUV, and a square coffee table - all of which were on my board. The table was even a free find from my local freecycle group. It has a little "character", but nothing that wouldn't have happened eventually in our home. It has a butcher block top with green legs and it matches and fits perfectly with our sectional that has a chaise lounge. Despite not have a lot of extra money, I still made those things happen. Imagine what I could do with a little more focus and desire.

I guess this could be considered my vision blog, as opposed to a vision board. So here are some things that would be very nice to have now:
- A bike trailer to pull Piper around. This would be a better way to get exercise with her as opposed to just walking around in the stroller. If the trailer doesn't happen, I want to run even though I have never really been a runner haha. It could happen.
-I want a new 4 in 1 printer. My cheapie has been a goody, but I want one that can fax and one that that will actually scan instead of just pretending to.
-I want a personal satellite radio to use instead of my mp3 player. I am in a bit of a musical drought and I am having a hard time finding music where I actually enjoy the entire album. The satellite stations offer lots of variety and if I don't like a song I just change the station.
-I want to find stylish comfortable shoes. I have collapsed arches and don't like to wear my orthotics all of the time. I want something that I can at least wear for half a day without needing to take ibuprofen. I am so happy that I discovered Chacos when I did because I can actually wear them all day long (I hate socks in the summer), but my plain black Chacos are only so dressy and I miss the days of being able to wear "cute" shoes.
-I want to take the clairvoyant training this fall in Missoula. Not sure what it costs yet, but it does involve a trip to Missoula one Saturday per month. I really want to make this happen.
-I want fall back into my jewelry-making groove again. With the exception of one good long evening, I haven't been in production mode at all since before Xmas. I made a few molds last night that have got me thinking about it more. I even have a cheap babysitter option if I need some time without Pip. I just need to get over that invisible hump and make the time to do it.
-I want to commit to daily to do lists. I get so much more done when I use a list, but still neglect to use one. I enjoy the feeling of looking at the list when I cross things off. Life as a mom is quite thankless and that crossed-off list is like an invisible pat on the back.
-I want to start reading again. I am embarrassed to admit how long it has been since I actually read an entire book, especially a novel. I want that habit back not only for myself, but to also set an example for Piper.

OK, enough for now, but I think I will do this again.

What I love about myself...

I just got done watching the recent episode of Oprah on the Law of Attraction. While I love that this stuff is finally starting to get mainstream exposure, I can't help but find myself a tad bit annoyed because I learned about the Law of Attraction nearly 10 years ago. Back then I wished I had more people to talk about it with, now I am annoyed because it's not my little secret anymore. Go figure.

Anyhow, I know one of my major issues is self-appreciation, or rather lack thereof. One of the things that I got from this episode that really stuck with me was that you have to love yourself for it to really happen. While this should seem obvious to me, I didn't really realize how much I didn't love myself until I had Piper. That's a whole 'nother story that I don't really want to go into now, but it has made me realize how much work I need to do on myself before I pass it on to Piper. Mom's are good that way, handing down baggage unknowingly just by being themselves. There are definitely some ducks that I need to line up. My mom did an amazing job with me considering how her own mom treated her thoughout her life, but I still have issues that can clearly be traced back to my mom and her behaviours & attitudes. Actions may speak louder than words, but energy requires no physical action to still have an impact on someone.

With that said, I want to express some things I love about myself.

- I love my blue eyes and how people sometimes thinks they are colored contacts. As a side note, I love that people notice my eyes much less now because they are now complimenting Piper's eyes.
- I love that even though I am overweight, I am still stronger than most of my friends.
- I love that I am healthy and only get sick a couple of days each year, if that.
- I love my laugh. Some people think it's too loud, but some people find it contagious. It's only loud because I am really feeling it.
- I love that I am an easy-going person and generally know when it's worth my energy to get my feathers all ruffled.
- I love that am a good judge of character.
- I love that when someone is really annoying me, I usually try to understand why they are behaving the way that they are and that it typically has nothing to do with me.
- I love that I have learned to speak my mind. I still don't do it as much as I could, but it's a vast improvement from even just 5 years ago.
- I love how honest I am. It's hard for me to even tell white lies most of the time.
- I love how intuitive I have become and continue to become. We all have it, it's just a matter of actually listening enough to hear it and then trusting it.
- I love how intelligent I am. Learning has always came easy to me. I took my intelligence for granted while in the academic and professional world. Jumping outside of those worlds was a good reminder for me.
- I love that I am a kind person and I would never knowingly do something to hurt someone else.