Now that Piper is a year old, I am getting the "so when are you going to have another" question more and more frequently. Pre-parenthood, I thought that I wanted at least 2, if not 3 kids. Then I got to experience parenthood for myself and realized, hmmm, maybe not.
It's not that I don't have it easy. Piper is such a good little girl. I am so very thankful that we were blessed with such a happy and easy-going baby. She was never colicky. Teething only made her whiny with some occasional restless nights. She eats just about anything except baby food - which I didn't blame her for in the least bit. She's also very independent and does well occupying herself. I have smiled and laughed more in the last year than the last 10 combined.
So what's the problem? Me. I am too selfish and don't have the patience. I have never been a "baby person". I never wanted to hold someone else's baby no matter how cute they were. I have also really come to appreciate why people might adopt toddlers as opposed to babies. Don't get me wrong - I would never give up the first year I have had with Piper, but I think experiencing it once was enough for me. Too much work, too little sleep, too many things out of my control. Somehow, my Mormon heritage didn't bestow on me the desire to have a large family or the ability to feel completely fulfilled by simply being a mom. While Piper is my #1 priority, she is not the only one.
Can you imagine the look on the person's face after asking "so when are you gonna have another" if I replied with "No, I am just too selfish."? I have never been that frank before, but I don't pretend that I really want another. Then they just proceed to tell me "just wait, you'll change your mind soon" or "but wouldn't it be nice to have a younger sibling for Piper" which is sometimes followed by "because what if something happened to you and Mike". Then there's that tell you about the kids they have known that are only children and how bratty and self-entitled they are and that your making a mistake not having another. There's also those moms that will tell you that having two kids is easier because the first one can help with the second and be a play buddy, too.
On an additional note, I also find it interesting that complete strangers find it acceptable to voice their opinions on such a personal matter. It's kinda like a stranger touching a pregnant woman's belly. At no other time is it OK to do such a thing, but for some reason these situations seem acceptable to so many people.
I shouldn't be surprised to find myself in a minority, so to speak. I have quite a habit of taking the path less traveled. I also am coming to see that maybe I am attracting these comments due to a little bit of uncertainty on my part. I never thought of having only one child. Growing up behind the Zion curtain, there were few families with only one child. Thinking back, I believe that all of the "only child" kids I knew were not Mormon. You were either infertile or there had to be something wrong with you mentally or emotionally if you only had one child or none at all - at least that's what people I knew would say.
What's wrong with having an only child? Why does that make people so uneasy? While I see everyone's perspective and probably was one of those people back in the day, I'm not now. What's wrong with admitting that you'd be a better parent to 1 child vs. 2? What's wrong with recognizing your own limitations and just accepting them? What's wrong with not wanting to completely sacrifice yourself? What's wrong with wanting to take a different path?
Maybe having an only child is a responsible decision. The whole world can't have large families. Then there's the expense. The price of everything has increased in the last year. I also don't think that my dog Sam would survive another baby. She's going on 10 and that's getting old for a big dog. She was our only child for many years and Piper has really impacted her one-on-one time. Even the vet noticed she has grayed A LOT in the last year. Maybe a stupid reason to some, but it's a reason nonetheless.
While I haven't shut the door completely on having another child and I am still saving a lot of the baby stuff Piper has outgrew, each passing day I feel more and more that it is the right decision to make. Hopefully, the comments will stop as I become more certain with this path.
3 comments:
That is such a great picture of you!! You look so good! Anyway, I totally agree with you about people sticking their noses where they don't belong. It is amazing they way total strangers think they have the right to voice their opinions on your life. I kind of had the opposite experience. I think that people think you should have 2 children, but no more. After I had Elliot total strangers would say "so you are done having kids" and it was a comment more than a question. Then when I was pregnant with Maggie total strangers would see us with the two kids, and a pregnant mom and say stuff like, "you know how to prevent this from happening, don't you?", only sort of joking. Don't even get me started on people saying how irresponsible it is to have a big family-that really irks me. I feel like reminding those people about the population crisis, as in the population dying out, in some European countries. Even my doctor, when I was pregnant with Maggie, asked me if I wanted my tubes tied after she was born. Maybe that is a standard question, however I have never been asked it before, but it isn't like she was asking me what I wanted to do about birth control, it's more like she was assuming I wouldn't want to get pregnant again because what person in their right mind would want that many kids?! Seriously, it's not like I'm 18 and pregnant. Anyway, the point is, there is NOTHING wrong with having only one child, and there is nothing wrong with having 4 children (which is probably what I will end up with!). No one thing is right for everyone, only you know what is right for you. We all just need to give each other a break!!
Thanks about the pic. I got this free photoshop type program so I was playing around with it last night.
I never thought about getting the reverse treatment, but I haven't lived outside the intermountain west either. Larger families are more "normal" here. It's not like you're on welfare or your kids are suffering because they don't get enough attention.
I really respect women that can have that many kids and do it well. I hadn't asked, but didn't think you were done having kids. I remember that Ray wanted a big family.
A friend of mine says "everything is allowed". I am not always good at living this, but it's always good to remember that what's works for you may not be for someone else and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I think having an only child is GREAT!! Of course, you already knew that. ;-)
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