Other than playgroup this morning, I've spent lots of time writing. All messages and conversations with friends. While I have definitely spent too much time online today, it's nice to be able to "complain" about having to many friends to chat with. While on the writing roll, I thought it best to conclude my writing today here.
First, I want to share a really great blog my friend Gina found: http://kindovermatter.blogspot.com/ It fits well with my current frame of mind and it's well worthy of passing along. It reminds me of a blog posting from the NieNie Dialogues where Nie and a friend with their daughters left kind little notes (such as: someone thinks you are special) around Mesa, AZ for people to stumble upon. Speaking of Nie, she survived a near fatal airplane crash just a year ago and was burned over much of her body. She recently posted a picture of herself, something she hadn't done since the accident. What an amazing spirit this young woman has.
And finally...
Life A.B.C.
My husband can tell you he's been through many different versions of myself. Part of that was due to getting married so young and growing up as me growing up as we went along, but part of that was due to me finding 'myself' (as cheesy as it sounds) and finding what it is I believe about life. I've never been one to just accept a belief without living some sort of evidence of that and I was finally able to find that during my mid-20s crisis. Another version of me emerged after we moved to Montana. In retrospect, each new version of me was the result of me letting go of expectations other people had of me. I was caring less and less about what other people thought and more about what I thought, what I felt. It was incredibly emancipating.
Then came my 30s. I'd heard and read that your 30s were so much better than your 20s because you become much more comfortable with yourself. I was looking forward to that. I also heard that that's when women's sex drives peaked so I was looking forward to that, too, since I didn't seem to have much of one.
So instead of things getting better for me like I thought, things got worse and came to a peak just over a year ago. I weighed more than I did when I was pregnant, was NOT happy with many things (not my nature AT ALL), and felt a little crazy - literally. This new version of me was not good at all. In my "craziness", I was coherent enough to see that I was thinking illogical thoughts and finding evidence to readily support those thoughts and experiencing the resulting emotions, but that didn't make any difference to me. It was like something had hijacked my head. I thought many times that I would love to blame it on hormones, how nice that would have been, but it was easy to find reasons for everything and blaming it hormones somehow seemed like a cop-out, like I alone needed to bear the responsibility of my unhappiness.
Then one day I realized that my change in behavior could be traced back to a change in my birth control, just one generic to another and I had never had problems with the pill before (or so I thought) so I didn't think much of it. So I did a search online about my particular prescription. While I believe that looking up symptoms online is a good way to freak yourself out, if only .5% of the stories I glanced over were true - my birth control was to blame. A wave of relief swept over me so great I started to cry. I stopped taking it at that time and didn't consult with my doctor because I knew she was going to try to rule out other causes and I'd already done that.
My next option for birth control was Mirena. That really messed with me, too, but in a different way than the pill. I had seen a glimmer of "normality" in the few months between quitting the pill and getting Mirena so I could tell immediately that I didn't like it. Six weeks of that and I had it taken out. I really just needed to not be on hormones at all for a while. I had been on birth control since I was probably 19 or 20. I really just needed to find out what my body was like not on birth control. Turned out it was a much better (and the now current) version of myself.
I've been birth control-free since Paril. It's crazy (literally?) how much different my thought patterns are now. It's like old forgotten synapses are firing again and new ones being formed. My mind is really working in a different way and it was a bit of a trip (albeit an exciting trip) at first to experience that. PMS flare-ups remind how I once was, but that's getting better with each month. This month it was almost like a switch went off in my head signaling PMS. I was literally aware of the moment it happened. It's nice to be able to recognize that and to exert some sort of control over it instead of it controlling me.
Another great thing is I've lost 13 pounds since I went off birth control. I only exercise 3x a week and my diet has not changed at all. I thought about the connection between my weight and birth control some, but once again I was able to find other reasons like getting older, my appetite for wine and the fact that most of the women in my mom's family are overweight. It wasn't until I looked at my weight over time on a graph (thanks to Wii Fit). My weight didn't changed more than about 3 pounds since I received the Wii Fit in October. Once April came along, the curve of the line changed dramatically and I have lost 10 pounds since.
So that got me thinking about how I managed to gain 50 pounds, yes 50, since I graduated from college. That was another thing I wanted to blame on hormones over the years and I really should have listened to that voice. Even when I lost 10 pounds after getting pregnant (no morning sickness, mind you), I didn't connect it to the birth control. Instead, I blamed it on getting older, my appetite for wine and the fact that most of the women in my mom's family are overweight. Blah, blah, blah.
While I was in college, even though I had insurance I would go to the student health center to get birth control because it was cheaper and more convenient. My school had a contract to supply Ortho-cyclen's birth control so I was on the "name-brand" birth control all while I was in school and still a size 9. My nurse practitioner gave me an extended prescription at my last visit with her there so I didn't have to find another doctor so soon. I was able to refill at the school pharmacy while still a student, but once I graduate I had to transfer the prescription to a regular pharmacy. After I started using my insurance for birth control, I got the generic equivalent for what I had been taking because that's all my insurance would pay for. Since I had never had a problem with the pill, I thought nothing of it. I was also still quite young and not as in touch with myself or my body so when changes started happening, I didn't know that they weren't just a natural progression. Now I know differently, VERY differently. So I think I will blame my weight on the birth control after all.
I've had a few moments of bitterness, of "I was robbed" of this or that. Last year's bout with hormones put a huge strain on my marriage because of my own unhappiness. Plus, my weight gain over the years has played into self-esteem issues that existed when I was thin. It's interesting that I became the body that I always feared back then. I wish I knew then what I do now - I would have been a lot easier and kinder to myself. Yet instead of being bitter, I look around and see a new amazing chapter of my life opening up with a new amazing version of myself. I'm thankful Piper was too young to really remember much of that time with me because it wasn't at all representative of who I really am. I laugh so much more now. I am regaining my creativity. It wasn't totally gone, but it's definitely been muted for a while. I am excited for the possibilities and dreaming again. I am really truly finding just how great my 30s can be.
The better it gets, the better it gets...
Momentary Apolitical Break
I took a break from being apolitical over the weekend, but I feel like I had a pretty good excuse. It's not everyday that the President of the United States of America visits your hometown, especially when your hometown is in one of the least populated states. How could one not get caught up in the excitement?
The picture above is Marine 1, 2, or 3. Not sure as they all looked the same and were buzzing over the house most of the day on Friday, Saturday, and even one REALLY low one yesterday. They were supposed to be Obama's transportation while he was here, but the weather was too rainy for them to use them. It started hailing just minutes after Air Force One landed (hail to the chief). Living near the airport, I was hoping to be able to see Air Force One coming in, but the hovering helicopters were a noisy enough distraction that I didn't see it until it was mostly out of view.
I liked what I heard from Obama during the townhall meeting. I really haven't paid much attention to the health care debate, partly because I don't have any issues and partly because of the reasons I went apolitical in the first place. It's interesting how varied people's viewpoints are and it generally depends on their own personal experience. If you have never had to use your insurance much or for anything serious, you probably don't think much about the topic (kinda like myself). Anyone that has had serious medical problems or knows someone that has knows will tell you something completely different. Even as my mom was dying, she had to fight to get money from the insurance company that she had been insured through for umpteen years. That was almost 15 years ago. Now my dad is dealing with different issues, more on the hospital side of things, due to my stepmom's health problems. He doesn't believe in socialized medical care, but he thinks something needs to give or it's only going to get worse.
Then you have someone like my friend Mikey. He's only 23 or 24, grew up in southern Idaho, and is a frequent listener of conservative talk radio. I think it would be safe to assume that he doesn't believe that the government should be interfering in this. I found out this weekend that he as been out of work for almost 2 weeks. He has been having severe headaches and his hands have been numb. Worse case scenario is MS or a brain tumor. They won't know that until he has an MRI. The only insurance that Mikey has available to him is really expensive, like I don't know why you would pay that much for insurance when it covers almost nothing. Needless to say, he chose not to pay for that insurance because he and his girlfriend are healthy, young, and both making ~$10/hour if that at their jobs. Now Mikey is in the position that he has to have an MRI, an MRI that costs $3000-$4000, in addition to all of the other money he owes for everything leading up to this. It's really could be a matter of life or death for him and the beginning of a lot of scary stuff for him. We all hope it is not, but even if he is he will still owe a lot of money.
It's stories like Mikey's that made me excited to hear Obama speak of insurance exchanges. I thought it more or less sounded like a co-op and what do you know - that's the term popping up in the news now after his weekend tour of the West. Non-profit insurance co-op's sound like a great idea to help people get insurance without messing with mine. Co-op's are all about group buying power and are a pretty great idea in general, if you ask me.
I appreciated the fact that the media all said the townhall event took place in Belgrade and not Bozeman. It's kinda exciting to see your hometown in the national spotlight. I also really appreciated the fact that the media recognized how well-mannered the people were and uneventful (all things considered) the whole thing was. Anyone could have lined up for the chance to get tickets. We're traditionally a Republican state and have a huge tea party faction here. Yet, the whole thing transpired without any negative incident. People, both in the townhall meeting and those outside protesting, were able to express and share their views with passion and civility. Thanks for making me proud Montana.
OK, I think I can go back to my apolitical corner again.
Life After Birth Control is still coming soon.
Rose-Colored Glasses
Yesterday I started 21 Days of No Complaining. I found out about it on Facebook from someone I know online from a now defunct bead co-op. The idea appealed to me because there is so much negativity in the world right now and believe I totally and completely that the Universe gives back to you whatever it is you give your attention to. I can say that because I have given it a try and have seen it work. I can also say that my nay-saying husband believes in it not because I tried to make him (because I tried and it didn't work) but because I showed him through my example (which is how some of the best teachers teach).
Some may say I am just viewing the world through rose-colored glasses. I say SO WHAT. It works for me and my family and I are much happier for it. I have my rose-colored glasses on for that little girl in the upper left corner (she has rose-colored glasses on because they are Dora the Explorer glasses). Have you ever looked through rose-colored glasses? Try it, you might like it.
I am not participating in the 21 days to the extent of one of my friends. You are encouraged to journal about your feelings and experiences during the week, but I am doing good just writing here. Her participation just serves as a reminder to use these 21 days to clean up my mind a bit. No matter where you are in life, your mind could always use a little bit of cleaning up.
There's always some negative tape recording playing up there and those recordings often have little physical evidence to support, but we often let that tape beat us into submission. Sometimes there is evidence to support that recording, but that's where the rose-colored glasses come in handy. If we know something doesn't taste good, we don't put it in our mouth, yet how often do we allow ourselves to look at or listen to things that don't make us feel good? You think your thoughts, no one else is thinking them for you, so why think the thoughts that make you feel bad about yourself, someone else, the country, anything?
Things have been going my way lately and I have have been trying to give those things much more attention. I am visiting news.google.com a lot less and ignoring political news much more. My awareness does nothing to change the situation other than give it more energy and attention. I can't change anything and those that are trying to change things seem to be more focused on what they don't want then what they do want. I rather fight for a cause than against one.
With that said, I want to ackowledge and give some attention to the things going right in my corner of the world.
Finances
So many people are struggling with money these days. We have our own struggles, but I am so happy to say they are manageable and no different than they were before everyone went all gloom and doom. Our refinance fell through because someone failed to lock in our rate. Turns out it was a blessing in disguise and a Bank of America employee was able to explain to me that lowering my interest rate wasn't going to save me money in the long run, it was just going to add $8000 and 4.5 years onto the current mortgage. What kind of bank employee tells a customer that??? In addition, this nice man asked if he could keep my number on hand for a time when he needed a pick-me-up because he was impressed with my attitude and how well I handled a crappy situation. I am working a little more these days and will be working a bit more come fall. I am selling jewelry at the farmer's market (more on that in a bit) and so there is extra money coming from that. When it really comes down to it, we could make more sacrifices to save money (internet, digital cable, just not budgeting, etc.), but we haven't had to so we haven't. It's just REALLY nice to be in a feeling of getting ahead as opposed to just getting by and I hope to maintain that.
Jewelry
I started selling at the Bozeman Farmer's Market this summer. I knew it was the best way to ease myself back into the jewelry-making mode I slipped out of after Piper went mobile. It is turning out exactly how I wanted. I haven't had money-making days like my friend Heidi that does screen printing, but I think I have done pretty well considering there are at least another dozen jewelry makes there. It's been nice to get compliments and feedback that my work is different than anyone else they've seen. That really helps me to not worry so much about the competition. I also hoped that some shop owner would see my jewelry there and ask to sell it instead of me putting myself "out there" and approaching them cold. Wishful thinking you say? Well, it happened and I am meeting with them tomorrow morning to work out the details. I have someone else that is one of the directors of Montana Outdoor Science School that may commission me to make some silver aspen leaf jewelry for her. I had no idea who she was when I was babbling on about how I can use metal clay, but it looks like my babbling had a fortunate timing for once. One of the nice things about selling jewelry is that it creates inspiration to make more. It's so much more natural to create out of inspiration as opposed to force. One last thing that I have really appreciated is talking to the people at the market. I forgot about how much I really enjoyed meeting other artists and talking to people in the community I don't know.
Life A.B.C. (after birth control)
continued sometime soon.
Going Apolitical
The image above is from a recent Facebook quiz I took that actually had real questions. I've always thought that I was in the middle of the political spectrum. It was very interesting to see my beliefs actually displayed on a graph. I've called myself a Libertarian in the past, mostly because I am not Democrat or Republican. As I've learned more about Libertarianism, I've found that it runs the gamut in beliefs. The common denominator is free will and self-responsibility. People believing in totally opposite things, but respecting each others right to free will and taking responsibility for it AND still finding themselves under the same umbrella - now that's a political party I want to be affiliated with. Wait, I think my post said I was going apolitical :)
It's no wonder the news irritates me these days. You're either right or left. If you don't believe the same thing as me (general me), well then you're just plain wrong and misguided and let me tell you how. I'm tired of people complaining without offering solutions. Someone that works for my husband made up the rule last year that you're not allowed to bitch about your job unless you are actively looking for another. Interestingly enough, he was the whiniest employee, but he is now in New Mexico so he whined while finding himself a way out. If only the same could be applied to politics. Political arguments that are only complaints and no talk of solutions amount to little more than whining. In recent years, this whining has been taken to a new level because it is legitimized by being aired on umpteen news networks. It seems that all you need is an opinion to become a political correspondent these days. Then there are the the "news" blogs which have become a source of news for people. Long gone are the days of Cronkite where only the facts are delivered and without personal opinion. It's not hard to find something online to support an argument and accept is as fact because it supports what you want to believe.
No one likes to be around the friend that is ALWAYS complaining about their life yet never takes any action to change their circumstances. I really see this as no different.
What it all boils down to is that trying to keep up with what is going on in the country just doesn't feel good to me. Arguing when it's clear that only one person can be right and each side is fighting for the last word doesn't feel good. Reading about things that raise my blood pressure doesn't feel good. I can't help but remember something I was taught in Sunday school as a young child. It was basically about feeling whether or not the spirit of the Lord would feel invited by what you are giving your attention to. You're emotions are what tell you that. If it doesn't feel good, you're not inviting the spirit. If it doesn't feel good, you are only hurting yourself by remaining in that place.
With all that said, I just want to feel good. I got sucked in hard by the need to feel informed during the election. I am now trying to let go of that need. Some might see it as irresponsible to not being informed about the country, I see it as a way to feel better about the country. If all news, good and bad, was delivered on a daily basis - the bad news would be just a blip on the radar. I am a half-full sort of girl so I refuse to listen to doomsayers. You can show me all of the data you want to and I am still going to be hopeful for this world. That's just how I am.
Something finally got me inspired to post
I reconnected with someone I worked with when I was in high school thanks to Facebook (imagine that). I was happy to see that she was married and had finally started the family she had always dreamed of. The start of her family was bittersweet, though. One of her twins was born stillborn, the other survived but has had health problems because they were born so early. He does seem to be doing pretty well these days.
This friend recently posted a link to a blog called Names in the Sand. I am just going to copy and paste from their About Us page because I don't want to get the story wrong.
When your child dies you are left with the most indescribable feeling of emptiness. In some cases there is no record of your child. No recognition of their life. No birth certificate, not even a death certificate. To Write Their Names In The Sand honours, remembers and recognizes the lives of children lost.
That Dream...
"To Write Their Names In The Sand" began in the early hours of August 19th 2008. In her sleep on that cold winter's morning, Carly dreamed of her son Christian for the first time since he was born sound asleep on January 26th 2007.
Carly dreamed that she was walking along the beach when up ahead of her she saw three children playing together. They were laughing and really enjoying their time under the sun. When she got closer to them they ran away up into the sand dunes. When Carly reached the point where the children were playing she saw that they had written their names in the sand.
The children's names were Noah, Bella and Christian. Carly had dreamed of her son. Even though she did not realize it was him until he was gone she felt overwhelmed with love. Christian was there, he was healthy, whole and happy playing on Heaven's beach with his two little friends that left this Earth only a short time before he did.
Carly woke from her sleep at 3am. Her mind was ticking over. She knew this dream would change her life forever. She knew it meant something amazing. That evening at sunset Carly went to the beach, she kept her dream to herself and told no one. She wrote the three names that had appeared in her dream. After she had taken the photo's she stood in the water and prayed. She told God that she would start a children's memorial page and that she would write the names of children who were now with Him instead of their loving families. She asked him for strength and love.
Carly kept the memorial page a secret from Sam. She showed it for the first time to him on Father's Day.
Sam and Carly had no idea that this dream would become something so amazing. They receive on average 150 name requests a day. Carly uses a simple Canon IXUS digital camera to take all the photo's.
Their dream is to bring warm light back into bereaved families lives. They wish for everyone Hope and Peace.
The picture at the top of the page is for my friend's baby and is the entry for August 4. I think this is such an amazing and beautiful way to honor those little souls that just couldn't commit to life this time around. It's also nice to see someone like Carly who has lost so much channel her energy into something so positive. What an amazing woman.
