I dedicate this post to Becky, Mary, and Angie because this is what I have learned from blogging with all of you. You are all much more powerful than you recognize.
I met all of you through our wonderful job at JBs. I have to say that was my worst serving job EVER. I hated the pantyhose (couldn't even wear patterned tights) and the stupid little bowties. Heaven forbid you fell outside of the JBs mold for the perfect server. One of the first weekends there, the manager was cuffed and taken away for embezzling. That was funny. Do any of you remember the manager Bob Marcolese? Becky might be the only one. He was so cheesy, the total stereotype of the motivational speaker. I crossed paths with him years later because he managed Ruby Tuesday's with my friend's husband. He was still just as cheesy and full of crap then, too.
That year at JB's was my first year of college. I had a lot of insecurities because of how I was raised and where I grew up. My mom was also dying so I didn't talk a lot about that because I didn't like the attention it brought me. That year was also a bit of a "fresh" start for me in Logan. In my previous year there, I had a lot of unsavory people around me mostly due to a good friend that was my roommate (but that's a whole 'nother story). I was trying to leave that behind and you all were the first girls (besides my boring roommates at the time) that I had the pleasure to get to know.
I was thrilled to move in with you all when I did, but I know my insecurities held me back form enjoying you all as much as I could. Back then, you all seem to have it so together. Angie's friendly, fun, and spontaneous personality was infectious. Everyone loved Angie and being around her. Becky always looked like she stepped out of a J Crew catalog and I loved hanging out in her room because it was always so clean and decorated so well. Mary seemed to exhude confidence. Mary always seemed to be able to speak her mind and wasn't afraid to tell you how she felt. You all seemed to have it more together than I did. You had the friends, the fun, the confidence - or so I thought.
Fast forward 10+ years...
Becky and I had kept in touch here and there. I really loved when she started her blog because it was a chance to peek into her life and easily stay in touch. I think Becky's blog is what finally got me to start my own. I had tried once before, but that blog is dead out there somewhere in blog limbo. I knew there would be someone out there besides Gina that would read my blog. I had never been good at journaling, but somehow knowing someone else might read my words made me more inspired to write.
Soon thereafter, I found Mary and Angie through Becky's blog. I admit that I saw your blogs on Becky's, but those nasty voices in my head wondered why you would even care to hear from me. We were never close friends, just roommates for a year. We hadn't stayed in touch and I actually thought I may be judged by my non-traditional beliefs (stupid, I know). Boy, am I glad I got over that.
In the following months, we all blogged about life - the ups and the downs We read each other's blogs and commented with our own experiences and feelings. What I found is that we all, more or less, had THE SAME INSECURITIES. This really got me thinking. You all seemed to STILL have it "all together" with your beautiful families and stories about your lives (and you seemed to think the same of me) - yet you were still insecure, still underestimating yourselves, still worried about what others thought of you (just like me).
Then I had an epiphany. If we are all this way, despite others still seeing us as something much more than what we think we are, chances are high that most other people we see as having it "all together" probably feel the exact same way. If this was true, all of those people we think might be looking down on us or judging us for some reason really can't be doing those things because they are way too consumed with their own insecurites and worrying about what we think (and that's when they have time to think about themselves because how much time do most moms even have to do that).
This really was a liberating idea to me and it made sense. In making sense, it gave the logical/linear side of my brain permission to start letting go of the belief that the opinion of other's had more value than my own. It may be an irrational belief, but my brain had thought that for so long it became rational because it was a habit. I knew that I gave too much creedence to what people thought, but was I really giving creedence to anything? Did those thoughts that I thought people were thinking even exist? I doubt it. They were just a reflection of the voices in my head, voices that don't serve me, voices that said things to me that I would never even think of telling another person because the words were so hurtful. It's easier to control those voices once you can recognize that what they are saying is just lies.
I have to say that this new found confidence has made Facebook a much more pleasureable experience than it might have been. I've heard from multiple people how Facebook has made them feel like they were in high school again and it just stirring up old crap that they'd rather not think about. The way I look at it is that WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN ISSUES and WE REALLY ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM even if we aren't best friends or even Facebook friends. We are all just trying to live our lives and be happy. Everyone is really just too busy with their own lives and own problems to be giving your life the attention you think they are giving.
I am by no means perfect at this, but just like Bob in "What About Bob" - baby steps. It took me 33 years to get my head where it is now, I can allow myself all of time I need as long as I continue to feel good. So many thanks go out to Becky, Mary, and Angie for helping me to recognize what was already there. I challenge you to do the same.
